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September 22, 2015

This is my story of sadness and hope after losing two baby girls

Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt? That was how I felt about children. I am extremely blessed to have a 14 year old son and he is the most amazing gift! However, I was remarried in the end of 2011 and we both wanted to have more children. After trying for almost three years with no success, I decided to pray this exact prayer before a time of intimacy. Here is my prayer: “Lord, if it is your will, make us a baby!” I prayed this prayer silently to myself. My husband and I had been praying for God’s perfect will and timing but I had never really prayed and asked for a baby like this. Well, what do you know? God answered our prayer and made us a baby that day. I almost wasn’t expecting it since we had tried for so long. We were both completely overjoyed and began naming our baby right away. I had had several prophesies, dreams, and visions and knew that our baby was a girl. We named her Isabella Rose.

Losing Isabella

Around 10 weeks I began bleeding. It would come and go but then one night began to increase. On our way to the doctors I began to cramp. We lost Isabella at 11 weeks. Our hearts were grieved. I never thought this would happen. I had asked God to make us a baby and he answered. It was clearly God’s will for us. Why would He make us a baby and take it away? One of my very best friends Ginny gave me some great advice in my time of utter sadness by telling me to lay on my bed for an hour and just let God minister to me. She said you are a prayer warrior – allow God to speak to you! I took her advice and did just that. As I lie there, God began to show me the purpose that He had sent Isabella to us for. She had come to us with a message and a purpose. Her message to us was one of faith, hope, and love. Have FAITH in God’s plan, have HOPE for the future, and LOVE each other deeply. I immediately had a vision of Isabella playing in heaven with her unborn cousin. It was beautiful and healing. I knew in that moment and in the days to follow that God sent Isabella to us to bring restoration to our family – something that we had been praying for but seemed an impossible task.

Does God Cause Bad Things To Happen?

Many people say God does not cause bad things to happen and I disagree. I am not saying that God causes all things that are bad, as I don’t believe that, but I do believe that some things that seem bad to us are really God’s hand working in our lives. God is the creator of life. Did God send Isabella to us just to die? I believe that He did. Some people may argue that God does not cause a tragedy but here is what I know: losing Isabella here on earth for her to be in heaven (which is truly not death but eternal life) is not a tragedy, although it may feel like it to us. Losing Isabella ultimately brought us life! Certainly I would have liked to keep her here; she was wanted for a very long time. But one thing I do know: God is good and He knows infinitely more than I do. He knows what it will take to bring about His purposes and plans and when we are seeking Him, we can have full confidence that everything IS working out for our good. I had peace. I still had moments of sadness, but holding to the vision that I had of Isabella in heaven and the purpose for her life and death here on earth, gave me peace and hope for the future.

We went to the doctor and she told us that the good news was that this pregnancy and miscarriage only proved that we were fertile. We learned how very common miscarriages are and that it is very likely that we will go on to have other children. We were full of hope and decided we would continue to try right away. We were ecstatic and surprised to find out that only two months later we were pregnant again! After three years of trying and then getting pregnant twice so quickly, it felt like a miracle. No sooner were we excited and then very concerned – I was bleeding again. I thought to myself, “Lord, what are you doing? Please don’t make me go through this again.” I prayed and prayed for the bleeding to stop. It wasn’t heavy so I was still hopeful because the doctor told us that up to 50% of all pregnancies have some bleeding and it does not mean that you are miscarrying but it could mean that you are. All we could do was wait because I was only 4 weeks along. Within a couple days I was having severe cramping and I knew that was not a good sign. I felt like I had gone through labor and so I was pretty sure that I lost the baby. We had barely enough time to think let alone know whether this baby was a girl or boy. Since pregnancy hormones can stay in your body for a while following a miscarriage, pregnancy tests can remain positive for a while so it was a waiting game. My pregnancy tests were still showing positive five days after the cramping and I was no longer bleeding. I was holding out hope as I had read some stories of others going through heavy bleeding and cramping and the baby still surviving. It was possible but the wait was excruciated, never mind the hormones from everything and my emotions after just losing Isabella. I was raw.

Finally a little over a week later I decided to take another pregnancy test because I wanted to know. I prayed, “Lord, please show this test to be accurate. I just want to know.” The test was negative. I had indeed lost another baby. I was distraught. I was shaken to the core. I can honestly say this was the second to worst day of my entire life. I did not want to be in this world anymore with all of its disappointments and pains. My son saved my life again, as I knew that I could never take myself away from him. He was my reason for living but this day was way beyond hard. I spent 5 hours bawling and listening to music in the back of my car in a parking lot. I did not want my son to see me this way. I needed to grieve and unfortunately my husband was unable to be there for me when this news arrived so I was grieving alone. He has had his own way of grieving and we are just learning how to really understand and be there for one another so I felt completely and desperately alone in this. Two lives had just died inside me within a matter of months - two lives that were both so wanted and loved. I was broken.

An Angel on Earth

After crying myself into an enormous headache, my friend, Ginny came to my rescue. She is a true example of a Godly, loving friend. She helped me sort through things and find clarity in the midst of confusion and loss. She is truly an angel. I thank God for her. After that day, my aunt and I decided it would be a good idea if I, along with my son, got away to visit my family for a week or more to heal and grieve with my loved ones. During that week, God brought me a lot of clarity and healing. My husband and I prayed and both felt our baby was a girl and we named her, Rosalita Ann. I asked God to give me a picture of her. I searched the description on the internet to find a picture that closely resembled the one God gave me and I made a memorial picture of our babies with their names and birth dates. This process was very healing and allows us to have a picture of our girls.

Through this I learned a lot. God sent us both of these babies and He also took them away and He had purpose in all of it. These babies brought restoration and healing to our lives even through the pain. Restoration and healing that would not have come otherwise. I am grateful to have been able to carry our two little ones even for a short amount of time.

I have 3 children although you may have only met one of them. Allow me to introduce to you our other two baby girls: Isabella and Rosalita. 

Until I went through this I had absolutely no idea what it was like. I really haven’t been close to someone who has experienced this to understand. Many people are encouraged to not share when they are pregnant in case they lose the baby but I would argue against that.  Babies are a gift whether or not they survive. They existed even if for only a few short weeks inside their mother’s belly. Mothers who have lost children to miscarriage – you are still mothers - you have heavenly children.

People don’t know how to act when someone loses a baby in their womb. Some are afraid to talk about it and even acknowledge to their friend or loved one that it happened. The best thing (in my opinion from this experience) to do to help your family or friend is to recognize their child. Tell them you are sorry, that you are there for them, give them a hug and talk about what happened. Don’t ignore it. That hurts more and makes it feel like it never happened and that you have to grieve alone. You need to grieve as you do for any loss. Grandparents, remember your unborn grandchildren. Aunts and uncles recognize your unborn niece or nephew. Brothers and sisters remember your unborn siblings.

For those who have lost babies to miscarriage, I encourage seeking God as to whether the baby was a boy or girl and naming him or her. To me that has been very healing. Ask God for a vision and find a picture that closely resembles the vision. Make a memorial and remember them. Share it with family and friends and don’t stuff it away. You have children and although they may not have made it out of your womb they are still yours. Be a proud momma of your angel babies!